The Monster Squad

A group of monster-savvy kids must rescue their city from Dracula (Regehr) and his monster troops. It's as stupid as it sounds, with some of the kids not even being likable, such as Gower's character, who is so underdeveloped that there's the need to flesh him out by dragging his parents and five-year-old sister into the mix, with the mom and dad's conflict being that he works too much and then we have Dracula actually calling the five-year-old sister a well, that part's worth seeing, so no spoilers there. Rightly earns itself a cult status for Stan Winston & Co reimagining the Universal Monsters but the terrible story still can't be redeemed by amazing SFX. Some versions of the film foolishly credit Noonan as Frankenstein when the movie itself points out the common misconception of it being the monster's name when it's actually the creature's creator's.

Mission: Impossible II

John Woo dumbs down this sequel to the 1996 action-spy blockbuster so much that it's almost unwatchable. What was cool back in spring 2000 and became out of style by autumn 2000 is all here: Limp Bizkit's rendition of Lalo Schifrin's theme, Tom Cruise's bad haircut, Thandie Newton as the leading lady, Anthony Hopkins hanging out in Spain, Rade Šerbedžija and his mustache, etc. Yes, this film's predecessor is a bit more complicated than what it needed to be, but it didn't need to be given a lobotomy. Even Ving Rhames' reprisal and the Australian setting can't save this hopeless, dull waste of two hours. The 1960's show's cast responded negatively to the first film, it'd be interesting to hear what they have to say about this one.

Cyborg

Mix BLADE RUNNER and WATERWORLD, and then under-budget it. A mercenary hunts Klyn and his group of murderous marauders from New York City to Atlanta in a plague-infested post-apocalypse. Expectedly bad, but the flaws are more with lingering shots of way-below-par SFX and the feeling of confinement in an open-road setting. While it never succeeds in pulling the audience into its futuristic urban wasteland, Klyn should get some brownie-points for being such an excellent villain. Admittedly, it could've been worse: given the title, one would expect Van Damme's TERMINATOR attempt. Pinckney sued Van Damme for accidentally wounding his eye during a fight scene, causing permanent vision loss. Originally intended to be a sequel to MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

Escape Plan

Ugh. Sylvester Stallone is supposed to be this talented escape artist who works for a firm that is hired by the Federal Bureau of Prisons to break out of prisons in order to test the reliability of the facilities' security. Oh yeah, and 50 Cent plays an IT wiz. You don't even want to know how senseless this plot gets when we meet Schwarzenegger in a high-tech prison run by Caviezel. While the concept is utter nonsense, it could've been passable if they stuck with the escape plan (no pun) instead of degrading to shootouts and blowups. Sam Neill's bit role is one of many lazy plot devices. Vincent D'Onofrio and his side-story add nothing. Disgraceful to a GREAT ESCAPE fan.

Hulk

Forgettable superhero film exploring the origins of Bruce Banner (Bana), a genetics researcher who suffers a lab accident involving gamma radiation. The result: he has the capability of changing into a green-skinned monster when angry. The temper tantrums get him enough attention to be pursued by the United States military, but maybe the cast and crew should've pursued other projects. There's nothing much here except boredom and disappointment. While the film does have its moments and can be commended for its attempt at not being completely brainless, there is no payoff for an action film that doesn't have all that much action.

Bloodsport

JCVD plays Frank Dux, a U.S. Army Captain who goes AWOL to compete in the Kumite—an illegal and deadly full-contact martial arts tournament held once every five years, to which only the world's best martial artists are invited—with his main motivation being to pay respect to his sickly mentor (Chiao) who took him under his wing. Burton and Whitaker (the only two to offer halfway decent acting) play CID officers on the hunt for Dux. Despite bad acting, disappointing choreography and endless clichés, none of the paper-thin characters are exceptionally unlikable (though this might be because they're so poorly developed) and the Hong Kong setting is captured so vividly. Based on unconfirmed claims by the real-life Dux.

Tammy

Silly pseudo-roadtrip movie about granddaughter McCarthy and grandmother Sarandon (who are only 24-years apart in real life) hoping that adventure and freedom will solve all the problems they're running from, only to realize that it's their relationship that requires the most mending… with (an attempt at) hilarious consequences. Even if one tries to pass this off as an innocent little chick-flick—which is indeed completely fine!—it's still difficult to find anything beneath the cheap laughs and bland plot. McCarthy fits the role well, but her strong personality inevitably upstages the beloved Sarandon—the duo just doesn't have the right chemistry.

27 Dresses

Career-oriented pushover Heigl finally has enough when another woman swoops in on the man she secretly loves (Burns), the only problem… the woman is her sister (Åkerman). Ugh. Then there's Marsden's character pushing his way into conflict, as a cynical writer who tries to win the heart of Heigl. Typical chick-flick that offers as little originality as it does laughs. While the acting may not be terrible, it certainly is insincere—maybe the cast had a difficult time hiding their frustration with being a part of such a dull and empty movie. Even the Elton John music can't lift this cookie-cutter rom-com.

Missing at 17 (TV)

Weight defines the performer, apparently, with Lifetime casting their boniest actress over 40 (O'Kelley) as a woman trying to save adopted daughter Kell (who couldn't be more stereotypical) from criminal Gavin (who's more an idiot-daredevil than a menace), and finds the girl's biological mother and brother (Hinkle and Alberti, respectively—both delivering more depth than any of the other principal characters) as unlikely allies. Frequently inexplicable: officer Pettis would never just give out an address just because someone asked for it; O'Kelley is such a hypocrite, that it's difficult to root for her; oh, and then there's the little kid Hopkins, who hasn't got a clue as to what's going on, but can still conveniently hack needed information by visiting one website. As if the story weren't lame enough, the movie fluffs itself by pointless subplots and other detours. Pretty close to being bottom-of-the-barrel, but is saved halfway decent acting and polished editing.

The Nightmare Nanny

Ashley Scott plays a mother with a terrible haircut and a newfound motivation to return to work after finding nanny Melvin, who appears to be an excellent fit for her toddler daughter. It's only after Scott's character goes against her hunches that she decides to take action… but by that time, the obvious psycho she hired to care for her daughter has gone missing… with… you guessed it… the daughter. Ugh! Unsympathetic characters and dull story. There really is nothing here but a waste of time. Even for people who embrace the shameless corniness of a Lifetime Movie will find this one stale; there's not even a whole lot to make fun of either. Just downright lame.

Man of Steel

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

It's a bird… It's a plane… It's a superhero that's responsible for more deaths than the villain!

The BATMAN BEGINS of SUPERMAN (with the former's director being one of the latter's producers), except half as fun and a quarter as good. The movie details the origin of Superman (Cavill), from the CGI infested planet Krypton to the CGI infested climax on Earth where the superhero likely causes more casualties than villain General Zod (Shannon) ever planned to be responsible for. And where to begin with the overblown A-list cast that's led (yet again) by the unknown actor playing Superman? Amy Adams is simply not spunky enough to be Lois Lane; Kevin Costner is as unconvincing as usual, what with his blank expressions and his monotone delivery… how does this guy get work?; Fishburne plays Perry White, and really serves no purpose to this particular story; Russell Crowe is replaceable; Diane Lane equals *yawn*. Would it be wrong to assume that the cast is unnecessarily comprised of all-stars in order to compensate for the lack of quality in the story? Hmm.

Hidden Away (TV)

Typical Lifetime Network nonsense about the victimized woman with terribly poor taste who hopes that running away will solve her problems only to learn the hard way when she gets tracked down. In this shameless outing, we have Vaugier faking her and her daughter's death in an attempt to escape her physically abusive husband. Blah, blah, blah; same old routine: she gets a new life, her daughter grows up not remembering anything, she meets a nice guy (Flanery), the fairy tale ending is just a grasp away, and then all of a sudden the bad guy from the past (Sergei) shows up. This cookie-cutter garbage could be somewhat bearable if it didn't consist of melodrama triggered by acts that would otherwise be considered downright moronic if only the protagonists weren't so unlucky. Nice climax—apparently, any dimwit can be inspired by watching NORTH BY NORTHWEST in film class.

Hit and Run

Shepard stars, writes, co-directs, co-produces and co-edits this skin-deep action/"comedy" about a former getaway driver helping his fiancé get to Los Angeles but is sidetracked when his past catches up with him along the way. The role of the fiancé is played by Shepard's real life fiancé Bell. Talk about self-indulgent. Arnold has his moments of quick childish humor at the beginning, but that quickly wears thin when his character drifts into his own sub-plot. Cooper perhaps has one of the most shameless roles of the last few years as a dreadlock'd ex-con who manhandles people bigger than them if they buy cheap dog food (Oh no! what a waste of flesh) and then steals their dog from them (because a dog is better off with a criminal than someone who's poor—or am I supposed to assume the guy is a criminal because he is big and scary?). There are also some weird cheap-shots that are supposed to be edgy, but really just lack any sort of real creativity (the Filipino prison rapist joke, for example). The soundtrack is just Shepard's iPod on random. Shepard, Shepard, Shepard, Shepard. Oh, and he does his own stunts too. Wow! what a well-rounded guy. Too bad all his talent can't make a decent film.

Red Riding Hood

Beautifully filmed take on Little Red Riding Hood with the identity of the wolf being the central conflict of this whodunit. However, the hipster approach at a story supposedly taking place in the 1300 is more than frustrating, and the acting and soundtrack doesn't help the film. Also suffers how unlikable every single character is; a story should grab the audience either by an interesting story or charismatic characters--good films do both, bad films do neither… this film is unfortunately the latter. The worst part about this movie is knowing how easy it could've been to make it a halfway decent film, but stupidly steered off track to follow in TWILIGHT's footsteps--it achieved it in quality, but not in quantity.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Psychotic German doctor Laser kidnaps two American tourists (Williams and Yennie) and one Japanese tourist (Kitamura), subjecting them to a sinister experiment entailing sewing one's mouth to another's anus, resulting in a "human centipede". Decently acted--at least for its classlessness--and filmed stylishly in the Netherlands. The concept of the human centipede is completely childish and unoriginal, and the controversy surrounding it is thrived by people why are offended by fart jokes and have never anticipated the possibility of coprophagia. There are better and worse things in this world to raise controversy over, and this film isn't one of them. The film ends way too easily, but very few will complain that it ended too quickly. The structure and pacing are also terrible; the opening scene (actually filmed during the final day of shooting) is virtually useless save minor and insignificant character development, and the film doesn't really have a third act. Those who made the film and those who complain about how disgusting it is should both be subjects to criticism for contributing to the creation and notoriety of such a terrible film.

Kick-Ass

Adaptation of 2008 creator-owned comic book of the same name, about a teenage boy (Johnson) who sets out to become a superhero. His actions are caught on camera, via witnesses' cellphones, and uploaded onto the internet, making him an inspiration. However, he soon gets pushed into the crossfire of an ongoing war between gangsters and ruthless vigilantes that are killing the thugs off one by one. The film starts out very promising, with real life obstacles as a major (and many times humorous) setback for the main character. However, what starts out as something comical and self-aware soon turns into a heartless tale of vigilantism. It's pretty much Marvel's answer to Christopher Nolan's Batman Trilogy, but it brings nothing new to heroism in the real world. The film soon begins focusing too much on the violence and cruelty of the world, rather than focusing on the main character's realization of why people choose not to become superheroes in the real world--an epiphany brought on by a more interesting sub-plot involving a crush who thinks he's gay. Still, the film hit the right spot for a lot of people, but not everyone. Just another example of why Marvel is inferior and shallow compared to DC.

Saw V

The most useless installment of the series, and includes the least amount of twists. Fails to justify its existence or its contribution to an already overlong franchise. Violent for the sake of being violent--nothing else seems to drive the story, and there doesn't even seem to be much of a story. So, Agent Strahm (Patterson) suspects Detective Hoffman (Mandylor) is Jigsaw, and we know this series doesn't know when to stop--hmm, I wonder who's going to win? The film's most interesting line, "You were supposed to be the hero!" fails to have the impact it's supposed to. They should have made the characters played by Mike Realba and Al Sapienza, two very talented actors, more useful.

The Matrix Reloaded

2003 sequel lacks all energy that made the 1999 blockbuster a success. The story continues, but does it need to when it's this bad? Even the returning characters are as two dimensional as the new characters. Zion, a home that Morpheus (Fishburne) talked about like it was a place of beauty worth dying for, is disappointingly nothing short of a ghetto. To top that off, when we're introduced to a rundown Zion, we're also given an unnecessary lengthy corny passionate love-scene between Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss. The only thing worth noting in this sci-fi failure is an impressive highway action sequence, as well as the inclusion of eye-candy Monica Bellucci—but even the beauty of Bellucci and the excellent SFX of the highway scene are hardly worth the watch.

The Departed

American remake of the successful "Internal Affairs" trilogy, about two men seeking out each other's identity; one is a cop that goes undercover as a mobster, the other, a mobster that goes undercover as a cop. Dream-boats Damon and DiCaprio do a good job vanishing into their roles as tough guys, but their charm and ruthlessness still can't mask the crime-thriller clichés; and the ultra-climatic conclusion is just really nothing more than simply over-the-top. The wittiness of Jack Nicholson doesn't impress since he doesn't seem to do much acting, but rather just charismatically act like Jack. The quirky dialogue of Irish-American mobsters comes off as corny and tiring. Martin Sheen and Mark Wahlberg are memorable and well-delivered in the humorous good-cop-bad-cop odd-couple, with the latter earning a Best Supporting Actor nomination. It was the only nomination that was well-deserve, the only nomination that didn't win and the only nomination that should have won. Won Best Picture, Editing and Adapted Screenplay. It should be called "The Retarded".

Law Abiding Citizen

After watching his family die at the hands of two senseless criminals, Clyde Shelton (Butler) decides to take justice into his own hands when one of the two criminals walks free due to a bungled investigation. Not only does Shelton target the killer, but also others heavily involved in the broken justice system, particularly DA Nick Rice (Foxx) who gave the freed killer a plea bargain. Clever concept and full of quirky dialogue. But it begins to slide down more and more into unrealistic circumstances; as if it wasn't on the verge of being far-fetched in the first place. The movie leaves you in the center of the characters' motives. Not once does the film attempt to make a stand for anything. The entire movie has a 'decide for yourself' logic, pretty much making the existence of the film lack any purpose. The two leads were great; along with a strong supporting cast, especially Colm Meaney as a somewhat comedic relief.